Tonight my heart aches and a heaviness surrounds me, as I sit, tucked up in my cosy bed, with a pen in my hand, poised over a blank page, purposefully away from the keyboard, to pour out words freely from my heart and into form.  

I first notice the resistance to writing coming from a tension created between longing to write wildly, boldly, without censor and the fear of being ridiculed, the fear of not getting it “right” and the fear of being told I “talk utter bollocks.”  These exact words having been shared with me by somebody on Facebook, who I’ve never met and doesn’t know me. It stung, even though I tried hard to pretend it didn’t. 

I need to write for no other reason than to express what I want to say about the “whole situation”.

What on earth is happening to us?

In the last 24 hours I have given far too much attention to Facebook and threads around the … dare I even say this word ... “Plandemic” saga.

On first watching this film I wept deeply, recognising the bravery of a woman doctor speaking out, without shame or fear, from her experience and wisdom. I felt every cell in my being light up as I watched her speak, and an intuitive sense of something important, and some dots joining together from other things I had read and researched, (that’s my version of researched btw) and I immediately shared it. I didn’t check if it was true or not. I simply shared it, aware it could be removed, and feeling strongly that others needed to see it too.

Fast forward 24 hours later and WOW! The dissenting voices appear. I am anxiously questioned around my intention for posting it on the different pages I had shared it. I explain as best I can, aware I have shared something that is creating a big reaction. Of course! Just like me! I flail and flounder. Why do I need to justify myself? Why am I letting it get to me?

I see thread after thread of people slating this film. Saying it is a bunch of lies. That what she says is not true. I see the word “debunked” a lot. I notice a far too quiet voice in my head wondering if it had been a man sharing, would it have been received differently. I question a lot.

Aarrgh. And it hits me again. Fully in my guts. This sickening feeling, a potent combination of disbelief, anger, shame and despair which I grapple with internally.

I continue to read these threads, driven by a hunger for truth, something to hold on to, aware of a feeling that haunts my dreams, and stirs a primal life force in me that almost winds me, as it’s in such stark contrast to the isolated days spent at home with my son, tending and nurturing a safe house for us both.  A space for him to be held and loved, during times which have no advice manual or guide.

I read comment after comment, all disparate in nature, back and forth, back and forth, jarring and crashing.  I read on and on, my pulse rate quickening, my breath getting shallower.  A part of me hooked into the drama, like a TV soap, receiving a hit of endorphins.  The younger part of me willing an outer authority to step in and break up this sad fighting, and the hungry part of me gorging on the information and opinions shared, to the point of feeling sick.

I feel I am watching a war.  I am sucked in, as people belittle, patronise, insult and slander others.  Sometimes referencing people as if they aren’t there, with not a crumb of kindness expressed.

I sometimes steel myself to comment too.  I have something to say!  My heart in my throat, then wincing as I receive a reply notification on my phone.  Bracing myself for the perceived onslaught.

As I read responses to my messages I feel my sense of self being trampled on.  My boundaries being crossed and my energy draining from my body.  My hands are cold.  My armpits are sweaty.

I start to wonder if these comments are coming from people who are high or have been drinking.  I wonder if these people would dare repeat what they share in person, to people they have never met in real life, as often is the case on social media.

I am aware how easy it is to walk away from ugly discussions online, I’ve done it myself, leaving a toxic fug of unresolved issues. I wonder what would happen if these conversations were held in the real world what the outcome would be. The reality of this virtual world sinks deeper into my being.

I wonder about the children who are being raised in this space and what the impact will be on them in the future. I wonder a lot, did you notice?

It’s a mind fuck basically. My mind and the minds of others are fucking with me, and a part of me likes it, and a part of me is disgusted.

I quickly remember that posting on Facebook rarely meets my fundamental human needs. To feel safe, to be loved, to belong, to be heard and understood.

I allowed myself to get hooked in again.  Damn!

Why do I continue to do this? 

I feel dismay and hopelessness.  This feeling has no place to hide and I don’t know what to do with it.  

In the past I would have numbed it away with wine and cigarettes. Today, thankfully and gratefully, that is no longer a choice I take.

Don’t misunderstand me here.  These past weeks in lockdown I am deeply aware of the longing to escape.   The longing to ease the discomfort of uncertainty. The longing to quell the fear and anxiety in the most societally conditioned way of all.  By drinking alcohol.  “There, there, all better now.” 

I remember my father, who often chose alcohol over the love of his family, (been there, done it, got the cap and signed program), pouring my mother her evening glass of Cinzano, referring to it as “her medicine”, and hearing her anticipatory laugh in agreement, as he did so.  A welcome sense of edges being softened.

This part of my programming has taken me 20 years to decode and rewrite. Something I am very grateful, and equally bitter to have experienced.

And the deprogramming continues. So I sit with it.  The hopelessness.  

In case I lost you.

Are we at war?

Friday was VE day.  The realisation of it hit me hard.  I called my mother.  She was diagnosed with dementia 8 years ago.  I asked her to recall what happened on that day, knowing that her long term memory burns bright and full of joy, which in turn raises her self-esteem, so badly bashed by the loss of her short term memory.

She was 13 years old back then, living in Manchester. She recalled parties and dancing around a bonfire. She recalled all the neighbours holding hands and creating a long human chain, weaving in and out of each other’s houses, collecting everyone as they went, ending in a big gathering in the street, where they sang songs together. She recalls that nobody needed a drink because they were all so merry anyway! High on the relief of it all being over! Yes, I can imagine that.

Even though her long term memory mostly works, the recollection of these memories can get muddled, and she shares the story of going down into the air raid shelters, during a bomb scare in the middle of the night, two or three times during our conversation, and it’s apparent this memory overrides the others of celebration.

She tells me how she went to bed wearing an all-in-one outfit her mother made her.  Not her normal pyjamas.  This was so that when the siren went off, in the middle of the night, she was ready to leave the house quickly, only needing to grab a blanket, to get to the safety of the Anderson shelter in their garden, one they shared with neighbours.  

She recalls her mother with a lot of love and affection, making sleeping bags for her and her siblings out of old eider downs, to keep them as warm and comfortable in the shelter as possible, and how she used to watch her mother leaving the shelter to make refreshments for everybody.  How this scared and thrilled her. How valiant her mother was!  I recognised this hereditary trait of showing love through providing sustenance immediately. Like grandmother, like mother, like daughter.

Now where was I? 

Oh yes …. War …..

The war we are fighting today is not in the everyday world.  Not really.  It is a based in a virtual one. Step outside.  There is no bomb damage. No signs of aircraft.   No troops.  It’s not obvious.  It is subtle and nuanced, yet equally pervasive, through our use of technology.

We use words, quotes, “likes” and emojis, in place of guns and bombs.  We mentally battle individual v individual, of any nation, rather than physically battle against individual nations. 

It is a war arisen from the crumbling of outer authorities that hold the illusion of our “togetherness” together.  We are lost.  Parentless and trying desperately to appear certain.

In the chaos of not trusting or knowing who is leading, we are pitting facts, figures and credentials against one another, in the vain hope that we can prove and secure our very existence.  Fuck consequences.  Fuck responsibility.  “I’m scared.”  “Where’s my mummy?” or dummy.  (Oh hang on a minute, I threw that out the pram along with my integrity.)

Where’s the connection?

Reflecting on my mummy’s memories of feeling so loved by her mother, at a time of such tension and uncertainty, I underpinned a knowing, a certainty that exists in me, quite simply because I exist.  

This certainty, which I can prove, without a shadow of a doubt, is LOVE. The ONLY medicine we ALL need is LOVE. And for extra certainty, let’s make it unconditional.

Love busts through everything. Obliterating fear and misunderstanding. A universally shared language, and nobody needs a doctorate or PHD to wield it.

I believe, YES, I BELIEVE, (in caps for all the naysayers who claim we aren’t allowed beliefs anymore), it is the cure for everything. Prove me wrong. I dare you.

This war we are fighting comes from our minds, the place where our fear is birthed and ultimately dies.  Our brilliant minds made for measuring and comparing, conceptualising and theorising, and NOT for ruling us or making decisions to act upon, as the sovereign, multi-dimensional beings that we all are.  (Yes, I said multi-dimensional.)

Humanity is forever expanding and growing, along with the universe in which we live, and my opinion is that the invitation happening right now, is to continue growing by connecting our knowing with all our feelings, emotions, instincts and intuition, so we can live our FULL potential, here on earth.  So rather than going around and around, stuck in our minds, and what we know, we get in touch with our innate body wisdom.  We become more whole.  Not just a mind living in a body.

Originally I wrote this piece to invite a Social Media Love-In day, dedicated to loving exchanges only. A detox of sorts.  It felt like a really good idea at the time.  I shared my idea and this article with some close friends, and realised after I received their support and input that this is not what I need to do.

What I need to do is get off Facebook and drop deeper into me.  Drink my own medicine.  I thought I had gone as inwards as I could go, and yet it appears there is more!

So I am surrendering further.  Reminding myself to follow my heart because it leads me to the most magical places.

Like right here. Right now.

Gosh I need a hug.

Today ….

"It's definitely that. That's the truth".

Tomorrow …..

"No it's definitely this. This is the truth. This."

Every day …..

"I believe this!" "I know this!" "I am right!" "It is this!" "It is that!" "Listen to me!!!"

“This is rubbish.” “Stop talking shit.”  “You are crazy saying that.”  “I know better.”

Blah blah blah blah blah ….

Are we going out of our minds!??  I hope so …..

Lets be clear, minds are not for making decisions. You may as well read a news story, then flip a coin, and decide heads or tails if you are going to believe it or not.  Our minds are duality in motion.  They sometimes see more than two sides of things, and like to weigh stuff up, create pros and cons, good and bad, black and white, have opinions on this and that, and spoiler alert …. it will never bring you peace, satisfaction or success.

A mind based decision will stay with you forever and never serve your true purpose of being.

Your body is designed to make decisions through your personal, inner authority (you can find out what that is through Human Design), and I can honestly say knowing this information about yourself is a game changer.  A life saver even.  This is how you come to your truth.

There is an intellectual war going on right now, mostly through media, and the energy and space it is taking is immense, and considering the only evidence to support both sides is given either via online pictures, stories, news, fake news, it’s no wonder we are all feeling battle weary and mistrusting of each other.  Maybe it’s time to hold a ceasefire?

The universe/god/goddess/life, whatever you want to call it, is calling us into spirit consciousness and away from mind consciousness (that was so last century)!  We are being called to get in touch with our feelings and emotions fully. We rarely say “I know” these days, you hear more and more “I feel” .  If you feel the need to know something.  Google it. 

Then come back to yourself and get in touch with your body.  Your feelings.  Your gut. Your heart.  Your instincts.  Your environment.  Follow your joy!  Take a backseat and watch the beautiful movie of your life.

Mind needs to be put back in its rightful place, as an awareness centre for inspiration, conceptualising, questioning, comparing, theorising and interpreting. I’ll say it again. NOT for making decisions!

Our minds are brilliant!  We simply need to remember that they are not designed to be an authority over us.  Or anybody else for that matter.

With so much information out there for our minds to consume and get stuck in, to compare, theorise and have opinions around, it’s easy to get stuck in a mental field of no action.  Mental consciousness does not have any energy behind it.  It brings only awareness.  We have mastered mental consciousness.  It’s time to move on. Literally … take action.  Stop these mind wars.

You could compare this current PANdemIC situation to a massive game of Chinese Whispers (how ironic) ....and we all know how that ends don’t we? 

I don’t want to play thank you.

So how do we create ease in this dis-ease and find the relief and relaxation our bodies need to allow our life force to flow freely, so we can be in our full power, love, grace and joy right now?

How can we appease the wanting to know, wanting to understand, wanting to be liberated, needing to be soothed and comforted in our fear, pain, anger, frustration and sadness?

I propose there is one sure way to do this.  Go inwards.  Clean your own home.   Stop. Listen. Put down your phone. Turn off your computer. For a moment at least.

(I will in a minute 🤫).

Do you know you are needed right now?  Yes you!  You are utterly unique and humanity needs you.

Please let’s start accepting each individual for their utter uniqueness, and recognise the importance and birth-rightful place of each one, so that the constellation of humanity can shine brighter than ever.

Do you trust your own heart? Do you trust your own inner guidance? Do you know who you are and why you are here?  Really do you?

To go inward we need to feel fully.  We need to be in touch with our emotions. We need to listen to the quieter voices of our intuition and our hearts.  We need to listen to our gut. We need to speak our truth.  We need to be in touch with our environment.

In the pain of your tight chest do you feel the grief of all the deaths over millennia, through war and destruction, greed and power, asking for space to be witnessed and released? Do you feel the grief of all your personal losses big and small, recent and in the past?

In the heat of your fever do you feel the anger and shame at the years and years of abuse, torture, degradation and savagery inflicted on all earth's creatures and on yourself either through addiction, self harm and self neglect?

In your persistent dry cough do you feel all the unspoken words of YOUR truth, YOUR hopes, YOUR desires, thwarted at every turn by systems and authorities who don't care and don't listen, and YOUR OWN inner critic and judge and feelings of powerlessness, so ready to cut you down?

In your deep fatigue do you feel the part of you that longs to really rest, DEEPLY, to be loved and nurtured and to feel safe enough to let go and stop for a while, knowing you are supported and safe? The part that for now has had enough.  Enough of this mundane existence.

In your fears do you feel the parts of you that you have long been ignored, overlooked, and forgotten, in favour of working your way up the ladder, improving your status and getting recognition, making more money, having more stuff, more trinkets, because you lost sight of your innate goodness and value, and why you are here as a guest on this beautiful planet?

In your denial and/or apathy do you feel the pain in the avoidance of your own body’s disconnection to it’s life force and vibrancy, long shut down through depression, despair and hopelessness.

There is so much asking to be released and reset.  This timeline is so important.  You were born for this. 

There is a decision to be made here, either wake up and take a life inventory or stay asleep and get back to “normal” asap.

I know where my heart is calling me. 

There’s an opportunity to dig really deep into who you are at your core.  To connect to your essence.  To remember.  To realise your dreams.  To live. Fully.

The time is now.  It is only ever now.  Your mind lives in the past and future and yet your heart beats in the present moment.  You are being called back to you, back to now, through each inhale and exhale, with gratitude for each one, knowing it could be your last.

We are all perfectly designed to navigate this, or not. The choice is yours. Don't doubt for one minute it isn't.

Yes people are dying. That's life. It happens every damn day. Through wars, starvation, poverty, abuse, neglect and disease.  Every day.  Today is no different.  Go outside.  Take a look.  The only difference I see is the crumbling restraints and constraints of all the systems, institutions and organisations we have made for ourselves. The ones that no longer serve us.  The ones that need to be released and reset.  Just like we do.  The outer world always beautifully reflecting our inner world. 

I too am going to die. From this virus? It's possible. If so, I ask myself, what am I doing right now with my fear, with my sadness, with my excitement, with my longings and desires? Am I in joy? Am I living my truth? Am I in my power? Am I in contact with the love that I AM!!!

I pray we/I reconnect to our unique essence and come to accept, celebrate and utilise everyone’s genius for the expansion of humanity.

I pray we/I rise up like phoenixes from the ashes and claim back our/my individual sovereignty, love, magic and purpose.

I pray we/I remember why we/I need community and that it starts and ends with us/me.

I pray that we/I hold each other in love and radical kindness, and witness the parts in us/me collectively and personally we/I have ignored and banished, because we/I were too afraid to face and accept what lives inside every one of us/me.

I pray for us/me to stop believing we/I have the answers individually, and to realise the power of our/my collective intentions.

I pray for us/me to remember that love is the foundation and essence of every living being and without it we/I will perish.

I pray for this earth to be remembered for the paradise it is and that we/I are guests here, not owners.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

“It’s now time to relax and move simply from your heart” said a wise old voice in my head.

Recently I have a felt sense that everything is ok.  It truly is.  And also it’s not.  It’s truly not.  I finally feel permission to rest here.  No part of me feels an urge to change things, to push and cajole people to change. To wake up!  To be more than they simply are, right now and that includes me first and foremost.

I realised with this new decade that I am here, ready, waiting, creating, ok, more than ok and that I want to simplify my life and hang out with people who are here with me, now.  I want to connect with people I bump into along the way of me, showing up for me, and being me, fully.

I want to move with the beat of my heart.  My physical, bloody, broken, pulsing heart.  Taking each day as a present and starting it with a grateful bow for this gift of life.

I love my essence and yet recently accepted I am not so keen on it’s vessel. I’ve neglected it’s messages, overridden it’s no and am all too aware of the consequences of that.  Thank goodness we are living longer as I still have a lot to learn, and even more so, another chance, every day, to unfurl another feather, petal and prickle of me and to feel it.  To truly feel it and release any unfelt, trapped emotion in every frond, silk and spike. 

It’s time to integrate this time on earth and distill and digest so far. To enjoy and not take things so seriously.  I want to create.  I need to create! 

So I am moving forward, and away, like the tides of the sea.  Meeting each tiny grain of sand, reflecting all the stars in the sky, trusting in my return to me.

These past few days have passed like blurs.  Streaks of light in a dark void.  My body aching with the recognition of love, received through my words, exchanged in a moment.

I am melancholy and mutating.  Sitting and basking in the pain and glory of being human, and the expressions I can bring forth because I have a body, a mind, and a heart full of love to guide me.